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Coffee and Chaos

It isn't a secret... I love coffee, particularly cold brew... man I love a good cold brew. My dad says it is going to take a really special man to be able to support my coffee addiction as well as my fierce need for independence. He is completely right. As much as I would love a companion to journey through life with... right now I feel like the best place to be is on my own. I haven't been in many relationships... but most of the ones I have been in ended up in broken promises, changes in my personality that I had to fight like hell to find again, and questions with why I felt like being myself and the having body I have didn't seem to be enough. Man, nothing hurts more than losing yourself trying to make someone else happy... especially when they leave you anyway. Enough of the sadness though.... were are a strong willed individual page... no past bad relationships allowed unless used as learning tools... agreed?... agreed.

I grew up as the only girl amidst quite a few boys so learning how to hold my own came pretty quick. I vividly remember being sacrificed as the kid they would launch on the trampoline, or trying to see if they could fly a kite into my head... but they also were very protective of me. Only they could pick on me... no one else. They have since grown, we all have, but they have had kids... found their forever partners... and I couldn't be happier for them. But me?... I take pride in my dog child and the fact that I embrace my independence and love for learning new skills... but I always dream of the day when I will have that one person to share my life with...

I have been very fortunate when it comes to the family and friends that I get to call mine... especially the friends that became family. Your life is a revolving door of people, ones that better your life, some that hurt it, but all of them teach you lessons and help you grow as a human being. I have been crushed by relationships whether it be an ex, someone I was just dating, I have even been devastated by losing friends that I thought I would have forever and had to accept the fact they were never meant to remain in my life at all... those are the worst. I honestly found out who my real friends were during the chaos of losing my mom to Cancer... the ones I knew would be there, especially because my mom was a second mom to them as well, stayed glued to my side... some that I thought would leave actually stayed and we have gotten closer... but most surprisingly... some that I thought would stay... left... those were the ones that shook me. They were people I trusted, poured my heart in soul into, like I do with all of my friendships... they were people I loved, and who I thought loved me... and I lost them...

Losing my mom right before a global pandemic definitely was more traumatic than I expected. I lived 8 hours away from my family at the time, had to stay isolated in my apartment alone because of COVID-19, needless to say I did not have a healthy outlet to grieve. I ended up moving back into my childhood home, started journaling, stopped drinking, reunited with my close friends and family, but more importantly.... found myself. I knew I was not the girl I was before... but I would be a girl who was going to make it. Two years later the pain hasn't gotten easier to deal with, but I have an amazing support system and a chaotic world that keeps me on my toes. I couldn't have done it without them. The ones that loved me through the darkest times of my life... the ones who helped me realize that I wasn't taking care of myself properly... that I was trying to do to much... took on too many projects... that I was helping everyone else and not myself... the ones that saw that through the smiles and "I'm ok's" I was still very broken... the ones who told me to slow down... I owe you. Thank you for being the calm in the chaos.... and for always being down to chat over a cup of coffee.

"You will never be the person you were before losing her... but please know that the person you are becoming is just as beautiful." - Jenn (my chosen sister <3)

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